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"FUN"

When researching a Bochur for shidduch purposes, people often asks questions such as, "Is he a fun guy?" or, "Does he know how to have a fun time?" In the following lines we will try to address this issue of "fun" in Lubavitch in general, and for a bochur in Tomchei Temimim in particular.

The Rebbeim for over two centuries taught their followers to shy away from worldly and material ideas and pleasures and lift themselves up to a selfless level of devotion to G-Dliness that is devoid of any physicality that is not integral for life sustenance.  Upon arrival in the United States, the Friediker Rebbe announced "America is no different!" With saying this, he meant to address those people who felt that in America one must fit in to the melting pot and avoid high profile differences. The way he felt was that we are finally in a country which allows freedom of religion; let us thrive and flourish in our Judaism even more than in Europe! Basically the Friediker Rebbe laid the foundation of Chabad in America as nothing has changed from Lubavitch in Russia.

Over the following sixty six years the Friediker Rebbe and the Rebbe introduced the novel idea of shlichus. In the early years of shlichus most of Torah Judaism felt it was wrong to go out of the community to be mekarev another lest one become influenced by their goyishe ways. But the Rebbe explained that if one is given over to the Rebbe and totally connected, meaning that he is doing this solely for the right cause, no harm shall befall him as he is connected to a living source of Yiddishkeit. Baruch Hashem today there are thousands of such shluchim!

After the above introduction and background let us go on to examine where fun fits in to the picture of Lubavitch.
A friend of mine gave me a very chasidishe definition of the word fun: "having a good time with no apparent purpose". It is interesting to note that in Lashon HaKosesh there is no word for fun and modern day Ivrit borrows a word from Arabic (kef).

I think that many people forget that Lubavitch was -- and essentially is -- a very fervent and devout ultra orthodox sect. Lubavitch focuses on removing oneself from Olam Hazeh. Since we go out on shlichus some adjustments must be made in order to be able to talk to and influence others, but this does not change Lubavitch in any way. Any adjustment must be cleared by the Rebbe and, when in doubt, spoken over with a rov or mashpia. We may not take things into our own hands to decide if this is necessary to attract others. Furthermore these adjustments do not become a permanent change in Lubavitch.
There is a famous parable of a father who plays in the sandbox with his young child.  One who watches this scene may assume that the father is an immature individual who enjoys childish types of play, but when he would ask the father, he would hear that really he is not interested in sand - this is what he does to give his child a good feeling.
What seems to have happened is that these adjustments have taken root and are sprouting forth within the core of Lubavitch (e.g. Purim parties, going out to restaurants, modes of dress, etc.) all with the justification that "we must do this if we want to attract anybody". It is important to find the right balance between attracting people and not changing our standards. It is helpful to realize that people come to Chabad because they are looking for spirituality -- they are not coming for more of Olam Hazeh.

It follows that a chasiddishe bochur is a bochur just as in Tomchei Tmimim in Lubavitch. The Rebbe actually mentioned several times that he has not changed, but rather added to, Chassidus. A bochur is to sit and learn Torah, go on mivtzoim between sedorim and spend his summer, if not in yeshiva, helping other Yidden.  In his spare time, a bochur should learn sicha, chitas or rambam, extra Gemara or any other part of Torah, go on mivtzoim, learn with another who needs help, learn a maamar by heart or farbreng. In the ultimate bochur life, there is no place for anything else. His entire life is Torah, Rebbe and Chasidishkeit; that's it!
The question of "can he have a fun time," is so far from a chasidishe bochur that it should be an embarrassment to ask about that person.
One may better ask, "can he talk about stuff other than learning?" Or "How does he interact with people on mivtzoim or in a Chabad House." "Is he down to earth," "Does he know how to pay a cell phone bill". Questions like, "Would he go bowling," or "Would he eat out," are out of place for a chassidishe bochur.

The average chassidishe bochur does realize that once he is married, things are not exactly the same as bochur life, but he does not necessarily know to what extent. This is something that he will discuss with his mashpia when the time comes. He does not need to know this during his bochur years, because right now he is a bochur and the whole idea of a bochur is that he is totally involved in being a bochur. A chassidishe bochur has "fun" or gets enjoyment doing the right thing and enjoys a good farbrengen with a good mashpia. He realizes that he may go with his wife on a walk to the park, but he does not term that as fun, it is just part of a normal marriage.

The Torah mandates getting married and maintaining a good marriage and part of that is to have a pleasant time together albeit with a purpose; the purpose being to have a strong home and edifice to raise healthy yiddishe chasiddishe kinder.
The Gemara refers to marriage as "n'chos darga" (descending a level), but that happens automatically -- one need not enhance the n'chos and must always bear in mind the Rebbe's wish in the letter to choson & kalah, "k'fi shemuarim b'maor she'btorah, zuhe toras ha'chasidus."
This is so true, and for exactly this reason anybody who learned even only one avodah'dikeh mamar understands that the word 'fun' is diametrically opposed to the entire Toras HaChasidus! Everything we do must be permeated with the sole purpose of bringing and revealing Moshiach now.

There is a vort that if one must constantly look outside of his home for a good time there is something very wrong with that marriage. A home must be a happy and pleasant place so that we should not need to look for outside venues of entertainment.

I once heard by a farbrengen that in the early years, chassidishe bochurim who were getting married and wanted to make sure they would keep on their level of intensity would give the Rebbe a key to their apartment. The implication being that the Rebbe could walk in at any time unannounced and we will not be embarrassed by what the Rebbe sees at that moment.

The people who ask if a bochur knows how to have fun often forget that the entire reason they are researching this bochur is because he is so good, frum, chassidish, etc. and not because he goes bowling or to ice cream shops. Such things are foreign to chasidus in general. These are influences which have creeped in from the outside world from goyim and l'havdil modern orthodoxy and Flatbush style. Chassidus was founded to distance ourselves from such things.

So if you are looking for such a bochur please ask only appropriate questions - otherwise, when he hears the kind of questions you asked, he may be turned off. Please don't look to make people say he is any less chassidish than he really is. What happens often is that while doing research, people dig deep on this point and the person being asked only wants to give pleasing information. They may "help" the bochur out and say "nice" information. Don't push people into such answers because it will not work out and you will have wasted everybody's time. Secondly, these questions are essentially irrelevant to marriage because as the family grows there is no time for frivolities and because a marriage is based on shared values and goals, not on how one spends their time.

An additional point along the same lines is that there are people who, when their child goes to meet someone on a shidduch date, wish them "enjoy!" The proper wish should be "hatzlacha raba." We do not meet for fun - we meet to talk seriously to find out if we are compatible or not. As such, this must be the attitude parents instill in their children.
May we merit to see Moshiach speedily when "yishoma b'orei yehudah kol choson v'kol kalah!"


The ideas herein are based on: Tehilim (Oholei Yosef Yitzchak) p. 218, Matos & Devarim 5666, Kuntres Ha’avodah perek 2, Basi L’gani 5712, L’fichach 5716 and more.